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ARE WE FIT TO BE PARENTS?

My learning on people started in IIPM classrooms... in classes of Dr N R Chatterjee and Dr J K Mitra – both ex Deans of FMS Delhi, my gurus, gods of psychology and great human beings. Their classes made me so mesmerised that though I took finance as my elective, I attended all classes of HR too and became a very keen student of psychology and behavioural sciences. With time, this took me beyond classroom books to the world of Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis to books like ‘Born to Win’ to the world of Sigmund Freud and Karl Jung. At one point of time in my life, I went so much into this that I ended up reading semimedical books like abnormal psychology etc! After I became a leadership trainer, the learning only kept growing. But all that was nothing till my son, Che, was born in the year that marked the beginning of the new millennium!

It’s been almost ten years now and the human behaviour I have focussed upon most during this decade has been child behaviour. I have since then almost raised four kids. No, they aren’t all mine! But one can find me oft en with them in my free time – Che and the three other kids of my three friends! And I hope I have been raising them happily to become happy kids! Today, speaking on kids – how to bring them up – in informal and formal forums like schools etc has become one of my favourite topics, simply because the more I see parents around me – stressed and successful – the more I see their kids going wrong! I will share here only a few key things which decide if we are fit to be parents and raise happy kids or not.

I have seen we mostly bring up kids without realising that this is our biggest contribution to this earth and its well being. The kids who had a grandfather who always told them that one day they will become Presidents of the USA and gave them that confidence from their early childhood actually went on to become John F Kennedy and Robert Kennedy. At the same time, the kid of the boy from an abusive family with constant negative reinforcements went on to become Lee Oswald, the man who murdered John F Kennedy. What I am trying to say is that we are the ones who will decide if tomorrow’s world will be a happy world or a sad world. Children are what we make of them. Today, science has also proven beyond all doubts that genes decide less than a percent of human beings psychology. It’s their upbringing that decides it. Genes only determine various biological aspects inside the body, and not psychological. Neither does a kid become great because of genes nor useless because of the same. We make what a kid is to become; so we parents – and to some extent teachers – are wholly responsible for what he becomes.

That brings us to the point: So what should we do to bring up great kids and become worthy of being parents? Well, if there is just one thing we must believe in and we must tell our kids – and I have always told all kids – it is, “Love is more important than material things.” It is almost like the magic potion for happiness. We need to believe “passionately” that love is more important than any material item in this world. If we don’t believe in it but tell our kids the same, one day they will question us about why we’re not following the same philosophy we preached. And all the teaching will go waste. But once you believe in it passionately, things will all be different. You just have to keep explaining this to your child from the age of 6 months – only this simple line. And before 6 months? Just love him endlessly through physical touch and positive reinforcements and smiles. That’s our only job as parents.

But what about the daily problems of your kids doing some things that are not right? Well, every time the child does something you don’t want her to do, your only job is to explain the same with a smile and friendly manner – whatever be the age of the child. A child’s life has to be necessarily full of positive strokes and “adult to adult ego state” conversations on every topic of importance. An adult to adult ego state conversation is where we don’t use either our “parent ego state” of making authoritative sweeping statements without feeling the need to clarify to the child, or the “child ego state” displaying excessive emotions of any kind. So, it’s a conversation which is based on talks, facts and logic but explained sweetly. This is the only solution to all our issues of how to handle problems. Whenever a child knows that the parent has endless time to explain things and is free of any fear of being admonished, he expresses himself freely and then listens invariably to what’s logical – just because he feels respected and loved. And it has never ever failed to work in my last one decade of bringing up the four kids!

One might immediately question, what happens when a kid gets adamant and throws a tantrum and starts crying? Well, kids are too intelligent. They do that only when they know it succeeds! So the best way is to again take the kid in an embrace and tell firmly that whatever he wants, he will not get, however much he cries.

But that doesn’t mean that you love him any less. So as long as he cries, you will keep loving him, but won’t allow him to do what he wants. The kid will cry louder, will try to force himself to freedom, but all you have to do is just embrace the kid, let him cry and constantly tell him that the more he cries, the more you would love him – because you really do love him. And then tell him that though you feel bad when he cries, he still would not get his way ever with adamancy, and that once he finishes crying, you will both talk logically on why you can’t let him do what he wants to. Or buy what he wants to. And constantly remind the child that love is more important than anything else in the world. So, if it’s a toy the child is asking for, the point to be made is that love is more important than the toy and that the kid will get all the love in the world but not the toy, as there are too many kids in the world whose fathers don’t love them as much, but give them lots of toys – tell your child that he surely doesn’t want to be in that kind of a home. The child starts realizing the logic sooner than you can imagine. Almost the first full sentence all the kids around me ever said was, “Love is more important than toys.”

So that brings us to the biggest mistakes we make as parents! Well, the single biggest mistake we make as parents and teachers is to physically hit a child. The softest of slaps is absolutely unwarranted and damaging. You hit a child and you have laid the foundation stone of a future road-rage protagonist. And it’s the biggest unacceptable shame for any parent or teacher. There is absolutely “NO JUSTIFICATION FOR IT.” Parents try to justify it by saying that they are so stressed, and at times, hitting is the only way out. Nothing is a further farce. Your love for your child is actually so less at that moment that you actually take a shortcut to set things right. And this is one shortcut that is most costly in life. A child is the strongest creature possible. A child can tolerate any amount of your hits, till he is alive. And he gets used to it. It only alienates the child further, makes him more adamant and resolved to repeat the same; and damages his psychology forever. Or else, it makes him most meek and ruins his personality. And we want neither. On an extreme end, the more a child is from an abusive family, family of drunkards, broken families, the more the possibility of him landing in a jail one day. For all studies on criminals show only these common traits. So, the saying ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ couldn’t be more wrong. But that doesn’t mean you should let your child do anything he wishes to. As I said, you have to make him do the right things through love and explanation. And for that, you have to believe love is the most important thing in life. If you do, you will have all the time and patience to shower love on your child and explain things to him.

The second most common mistake parents do is misbehaving with the child; and then out of guilt, buying him gifts. Do that and you have taught the child just the opposite of giving love the maximum importance. It means gifts and material things are more important. And he will learn to value love by toys. No child around me knows me for giving them gifts. However, they do know me for loving them the most. And I can assure you they love me more than their other gift giving uncles! In fact, despite my fervent requests to all my friends to get only love and no gift s on Che's birthday, they end up getting gifts. But they must know Che doesn’t get them. Che, me and Rajita (my wife, who does everything exactly the way I am writing, and more, as I will explain later) have a pact that he will get to keep gift s of only six of the most important people in our lives – as they love him too much and their gift s are what he wants as they’re chosen with lots of thought and they keep giving him love throughout the year. He could choose any four other gift s out of the rest of the gift s and also all the books he gets. In turn, he has to give away to our Great Indian Dream Foundation kids, double the number of toys! He loves the arrangement. Now he waits for every birthday, more to go and give than to get. The same rule applies to every toy he wants us to buy for him. If we agree, he has to give away two! And you bet it makes him more humane and loving.

The final big mistake parents do is make statements like, “I spend quality time.” Well, the truth is there is nothing called quality time for a child. The only thing that the child understands is “quantity time.” Yes, there will be times when one of you will be busier and you must therefore spend a great Sunday with him. But you can’t become weekend parents in the name of quality time. Because then, the people whom he spends quantity time with will decide what he becomes and not you. And that’s taking a huge chance unless you know that those are people with the values I just spoke about.

I would want to sign off by saying when my best friend had a daughter, I told him to immediately get his father to stay with them. If grandparents are alive, that’s the best gift for your kid. Staying with them, children learn how to be more considerate in life; and you again realise the importance of your parents in your life. That’s the real test to find out whether we’re fit to become parents... for to be good parents, we got to become good children first. I wish lots of love and a life full of happiness to all my readers, their parents and their children.

Comments

shwetanshu said…
Awesome article yet again..........
Regards jain.......
mangala said…
Beautiful article..I completely agree with you.Many a time, I have seen that ,when we explain why a certain thing should not be done,kids understand and never repeat.I have seen it successful in my daughter,instead of just putting rules blindly,which the child is sure to resist.While reading about time,I am reminded of parents constantly watching televisions and asking their kids to concentrate in the work...most of us do not practise what we preach,so we are always failures.Nice article,hope many parents and teachers read it and change......
I wish my child was the 5th child you were bringing up !!

Thank you Arindam Sir for such a lovely article, a must read for all existing and would be parents !
Unknown said…
Really a peace worth spreading...
God bless~~

Your Admirer From Goa...
abhijeet shukla said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
abhijeet shukla said…
A must read article for everyone..specialy for parents...
Unknown said…
A must follow article but its noticed that child is unfortunately becoming sandwitched between the two worlds home & school. As long as their is no coordination between the two the result will be never as desired Some strong common strategy is to be followed by education system and half the root cause of global problem will be solved. A teacher shd be like mother treating them with one eye & and mother be a teacher to its own child . Education once again should be revised to enhance the mankind not the job scope I wish every body had the sense & opportunity to raise the child without pressure . Sure some schools are mushrooming with quality education but the quantity of amount they snatch from their parents does n't allow the parents to keep calm . They in return want to extract every bit of opportunity and scope of acheivement from institute . And in this persuit they grill the child..Altogether creating a very animos environment further resulting to several anti social activities.....
subhash said…
@Savita : Thanks Savitha,The best add-on to Sir's article.

"Sure some schools are mushrooming with quality education but the quantity of amount they snatch from their parents does n't allow the parents to keep calm . They in return want to extract every bit of opportunity and scope of acheivement from institute . And in this persuit they grill the child."

I believe apart from shovering love to the child,parents should have control over the expectations from child...
Anonymous said…
A nice derailment from the quintessential "Arindam" articles...
Nice one.

Still, one has to look from a different perspective. Sometimes, it happens that a single child faces the following-

1. Dearth of parental love
2. Physical abuse by parents
3. Domestic violence among the elderlies
4. Sexual abuse by a distant cousin
........

All torturous conditions rolled into a kind of "package" for a single child.

Yet, the conscience may be that much developed, that he may discard the frequently popping notion of committing suicide or running away... And with perseverance, treating the events happening around to be a guide of living; may learn, increase the intellect and rise above.
******

Some of us, who might face the above four points and lot others, may still be able to be the ones in the limelight at school, college and society, for all the good reasons...

Despite of every factor, that might be vicious for the development of a human child, one thing remains in to-to:

The Power Of Choice...

**********

Yes, the above case are an exception.
What Arindam sir said, is ideal, and parents should take a leaf out of it.


**********

Visit "Talking Straight" @

ideatingfreak.blogspot.com
lipi mukherjee said…
Your point of Quality vs. Quantity time is arguable...where is the time for present day parents.These days people work late night in their offices even if it is not for work but to be in the race and please the management and by the time they reach home the child has gone for sleep, so the only day left is Sunday..The other day I was speaking to one of the Dean and I was surprised to note that the loyalty of an employee,these days are being measured by the time spent (specially late evening)in any organisation.
So if you really mean what you said in the article please start the process from your own organisation ( in case the same practice is followed in your organisation too ), so that you can set an example to other organisations,and make your staff practice the same before you ask the society to follow it.Ensure that your staff leaves at a decent time to give quantity time to their child( even if it requires some strict rule to put in place)As far as the rest of your article is concerned, I have no experience so nothing to say....
Anonymous said…
hello sir,i want to know your age,how old are you? and one more importent question for me,aap 24 hour me kitne hour work karte ho?
Unknown said…
Well said; living with grandparents will sure make the kids more considerate. Totally agree.
Mahendra Mehta said…
We are making our children engineers, doctors, mathematicians and chemists. But that is not education, that is only a means and method to earn a livelihood; it is only an arrangement for earning in a better way. We are sending our children to Europe and America for further education, and one may think one has done something very great in doing so. But we are only teaching them to earn their bread more efficiently -- nothing more than that. We are not educating them nor establishing any connection with education, because education means a birth of real and higher values in life.
What will the birth of real and higher values in life mean? If there is such a birth, child will become liberated, child will become full of bliss. The more life moves towards higher values, the more the bonds go on falling.
किसी भी जिम्मेदारी का सही ढंग से निर्वहन करना अपने-आप में एक बड़ा काम होता है. उसमें भी एक अच्छा मां-बाप बनना तो और ही चुनौतीपूर्ण काम है.अगर आज के परिवेश को ध्यान में ऱखकर बात की जाए तो हम देखते हैं कि अक्सर मां-बाप अपने काम के उलझनों के कारण अपने बच्चों का समूचित ख्याल नहीं रख पाते है. परिणाम यह होता है कि बच्चों की बुनियाद कमजोर होने लगती है. किसी भी बच्चे की बुनियाद को मजबूत करने की जिम्मेदारी मां-बाप की ही होती है.
आपने एक सशक्त मुद्दा को उठाया है. सभी मां-बाप को बच्चों के मनोविज्ञान को जरूर समझना चाहिए. बच्चों को इस तरह से संस्कारित करना चाहिए ताकी वे इस देश को एक सभ्य नागरिक बन सकें.
Manoj Varghese said…
Thanks for the wonderful article. I am glad that people like you, who could inspire others does contributions like this. This has moved me and threw light to how i should bring up my twins babies.
Rajiv Garg said…
We both in our six decades of life have not seen such pragmatic, wise and simple worded treatment to a beautiful relationship with one's child.
Your approach to love, teaching the art of giving and reverence towards parents will surely develop a child into a compassionate human being.
Our best wishes and blessings to you to continue with your examplary effort, which we are sure, if followed, by all will bring a new generation to build a great India of the past.

Carry on
Rajiv Garg & Madhu Garg
Unknown said…
I fully endorse your views in this article. In today's world of "I,me & myself", your thoughts come as a whiff of fresh air. As you have rightly pointed out, we as parents have to sow the seeds of love & care for fellow human beings to make this world a better place for the future generations.

Excessive money power has driven parents to shower lavishly on anything for their children right from their first birthday up to their marriage and sometimes even beyond that. What a criminal waste of money, when millions in our country starve without a morsel of food.

We as responsible parents should be balanced in our approach towards our children and nurture them with emotional stability rather than looking at only their economic well-being. This will make them view life with equanimity in the long-run & their feet will be firmly grounded in times of adversity and prosperity.

Vidhya Jayanth
it was an awesome article..i agree with you.........
Rajiv Garg said…
Dear Arindam,

Your article has touched the emotional cord of the parents. It is really very enlightening and awakening. Have been reading it again and again and has passed it on to all my friends.
Keep writing such articles.

Thanks,
Madhu Garg
Regarding Are we fit to be parents

I find that raising kids with values is the most difficult job I have faced in my life. Today's newspaper headlines screamed about injustice to Bhopal gas victims. With such injustices all around us and innocent citizens suffering for no fault of theirs and the criminals who happen to be powerful getting away, How can I tell my kids to respect justice and speak the truth, love is more than money etc etc? when everywhere money rules?.We tell one thing at home, what the child encounters in the big bad world outside is contradictory to what we tell at home. How to handle this?.Also, if someone is forced to be a working mom, God help her how to get quantity time when quality time itself is difficult. This is if "one is forced " to be a working mom. Increasingly I find many mothers working even when there is no need financially but the need is there for their own identity satisfaction. Regarding grandparents staying, again, if the grandparents themselves "want" to stay then its fine. If they wud rather be independent, then what?.Friends who have grandparents stay with them also have issues regarding grandparents spoiling the kid when the parents want to dicipline them. So, sweeping generalisations accross all situations is not practical at all. How to work around situations when u dont have grandparents, u HAVE to work , when only money is respected everywhere and not persons?. As abraham maslow's hierarchy of needs reveals, only when the basic needs are met, can we think of higher values. When the parents are struggling to meet basic needs itself, how can we reach for higher values?. Its fine if u are financially stable and can afford to spend quality and quantity time with u r kids. What happens to other unlucky souls who find themselves as parents?.Shuldn't they also have a way?. or best is not to become parents until the time we arrive in life to give them what they need!.
Sanat Singha said…
Hello Arindam,
I just came through the same post published in The Telegraph, Kolkata very recently. The views are very factual and worth to be applied.

I do maintain a blog for Students and Tutors and analyze their relationships.

I blog at Educational Tips
Anonymous said…
Very enlightening article, especially I liked the fact that children too need to be respected. Yes we cant take children for granted thinking that they are ignorant and we know everything. This is applicable to all parents. thanks for this post.
Sohan said…
Dear Arindam,
Thank you for the eye opening article for parents. I am a Softs skill trainer and always read your articles. I would like to point out in the saying, "Spare the rod and spoil the child" which comes from the book of Proverbs in Bible, the rod does not necessarily mean a stick. But a tool used by Shepherds to guide the sheep. In Psalm 23 , King David says, Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. So it means, do not shy away from guiding your child in the right path. If you miss that, you would be spoiling him or her.
Thanks
Sohan
stiwade@gmail.com
Very interesting article. It is very true that "If grandparents are alive, that’s the best gift for your kid".
Unknown said…
I learnt from my teachers that we have not 5 but 6 senses, the 6th being 'common sense', the most important of all. Being a school teacher, I observe parents straying away from it day by day and being inconsistent. In the name of competition they have stopped thinking for themselves and follow the herd. It gave me great pleasure to read your article. Thank for highlighting some key points, I wish more parents read it and realise basics dont change, they are the foundation for higher learning and a better tomorrow.
Allan said…
hello mr chaudhari...nice words of wisdom there.... this is a very relevant issue....as the younger generation and the new parents do tend work more in order to make more money(of course they do it for their kids..) but quantity time is wat they need.. and it is great to know that ur kid loves giving..more than receiving ...an amzing trait... how ever...I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU ON THE FIRST POINT..... i wud like to know from wher u get ur wisdom,,ur values...because...I DERIVE MINE FROM THE BIBLE.... and it clearly says in black and white.. SPARE THE ROD...SPOIL THE CHILD... with all due respect sir... i disagree and urge the others too to base their value system on timeless... never changing principles.. such as the BIBLE... our own wisdon..is otherwise foolish..
P.S.NARAYANAN said…
This last para has the best appeal: I would want to sign off by saying ...... That’s the real test to find out whether we’re fit to become parents... for to be good parents, we got to become good children first. I wish lots of love and a life full of happiness to all my readers, their parents and their children.
Deepa said…
Your article « Are we fit to be parents » has touched a chord in me. I agree with all the points you have mentioned. In fact, I have a daughter, and I follow pretty much the same parenting style that you talk about, and it always works!
Kamlesh Bhatt said…
Excellent article in terms of its manner of explanation and depth of knowledge of child psychology.
Couple of sentences like " Child is the strongest person on earth" were not properly explained but overall, great article from a renowned scholar.
Kamlesh Bhatt.
Unknown said…
beautifully written. "Love is above all", the simple but difficult to accept (by spirit) sentence. Each & every parent and also non-parent also know how we should treat a kid. "You will get what u sown"
q-kultur said…
Love is the best remedy and there are many children on this planet who would love to have someone love and share their life. However if a child or for that matter even grownup don’t get to show their disagreement without a know it all threatening them to cuddle them to kingdom come that is robbing the very sanctity of a person’s sanity. That is what I feel.
To explaining to after the fit has subsided is one thing but threatening someone by painting a dark and unhappy picture of someone else’s life is not the way to go according my opinion. As the saying goes there are thousand different ways to Mecca…
Some chose to measure their own and others lives with material values while others with love. But by asking a child if he/ she want a weekend parent who will fill their life with toys or gifts or a parent who will spend their time and life like a good pedagogue walking side by side is taxing to a child. Since kid between 0- 15 years of age lack that comprehensive cognition assuming we are talking of kids that age.
However it should never come to that where they have to resolve to throw tantrums. Since like all other things showing a tantrum is something one cultivates as a parent if you have to deal with such behavior then you should read B: F. Skinner on behavioral psychology :)
q-kultur said…
Love is the best remedy and there are many children on this planet who would love to have someone love and share their life. However if a child or for that matter even grownup don’t get to show their disagreement without a know it all threatening them to cuddle them to kingdom come that is robbing the very sanctity of a person’s sanity. That is what I feel.

To explaining to after the fit has subsided is one thing but threatening someone by painting a dark and unhappy picture of someone else’s life is not the way to go according my opinion. As the saying goes there are thousand different ways to Mecca…
Some chose to measure their own and others lives with material values while others with love. But by asking a child if he/ she want a weekend parent who will fill their life with toys or gifts or a parent who will spend their time and life like a good pedagogue walking side by side is taxing to a child. Since they lack that comprehensive cognition assuming we are talking of kids between 0 to 15 years of age.

However it should never come to that where they have to resolve to throw tantrums. Since like all other things showing a tantrum is something one cultivates as a parent if you have to deal with such behavior then you should read B: F. Skinner on behavioral psychology :)
Unknown said…
I agree in enririty .
Unknown said…
Dr.Ashok Pagrut

I agree entirely.

Physical abuse is never warrented...
A perfect post that's sure to revolutionize the parent-child relationship in India..
sabith pocker said…
@gayathri
'How to work around situations when u don't have grandparents, u HAVE to work , when only money is respected everywhere and not persons?'

Money need to be respected same way as love, try to understand what money actually is, may be Arindam can write an article on 'what money is' for Gayathri and friends.

@Arindam
I agree with Arindam's love theory and the drawbacks of physical harm. I love to be your son :)

But if i ever know that you are gonna manipulate my life in any way at any time, I better be the child of a drunkard and end up as a serial killer.

It's great that the gifts pact is between you,son and wife instead of you and wife.Hope pact is adult-adult and not parent-child.

Good article!!
manjeet kumar said…
~LOVE REPORTER WILL HARADER~ ~ALL OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS ARE ...
19 Jun 2011 – Inside their materialistic illusions, people are more concerned with the ... Owning the right things is more important to our society than ...

http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/love-reporter-will-harader-all-societys-problems-are-spiritual#comment-2409

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